[ Grunts ]
[ Woman On TV ] ...four easy payments--
[ Man On TV ]...and increasing clouds, chance of rain with--
[ Woman Talking, Indistinct ]
[ Tires Screeching On TV ]
[ Man On TV ] Get out of the car! Get your hands up!
Get on the ground!
[ Officer ] Hands up, passenger. Get down!
I'm down. - Get on your back.
Get your hands-- Get your other hand back.
[ Man Grunts ]
[ Officer ] You're under arrest.
A teaspoon of garlic powder.
[ Male Announcer] If you're a homeowner, crafter, do-it-yourselfer...
trade professional or confirmed tool nut that loves to work with your ha--
[ Sniffs ]
[ Grunts ]
[ ♫ Humming ♫ ]
Yeah.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Man On TV Available in any power tool.
Future technology today. Like these high-intensity, never-fail L.E.D. headlights
that let you see your work even in the lowest lighting conditions.
Almost indestructible.
[ Sniffs ]
Conveniently stored onboard, as is the adjusting wrench--
Honey. - Hey, what are you doing with your hand?
[ All Screaming ]
What the hell is this?
Who are you people and what are you doing in my bed?
[ Horns Honking ]
That must be him.
Hmm. Okay.
Jimmy, I just want to remind you--
That I'm only here to observe. Absolutely.
But my name goes on the story, right?
You took the call, so your name goes on the story--
if we publish it.
That's a big "if." [ Chuckles ] "Big if."
Man, my first story.
Adam Burgess? - Yes, yes. Adam Burgess. That's me.
John Byers. This is my associate Jimmy whom you spoke with on the phone.
Thank you. Thank you so much for coming.
I was worried that you weren't going to show up, and I am just--
Uh, Mr. Burgess, if Jimmy understood you correctly,
you're the victim of some form of identity theft, is that right?
My whole life is gone. - I'm sure it can feel that way.
It's certainly a growing problem on the Internet.
What was accessed? Uh, your bank accounts? Your credit cards?
No, no, no. My whole life is gone.
Uh, there's strangers living in my house.
Lois, my wife, I don't know where she is now.
Neighbors, they don't know who I am anymore. Police cars chasing me.
I tell you. I thought I was losing my mind.
But then last night, when I was spending the night in the dumpster behind the pet store
I saw this.
Ooh. Thus explaining the smell of cat urine.
Yeah. Well, when I saw this paper
I knew that you would be the people who would believe me.
Who would understand. - Understand what?
That I'm from a parallel reality and that aliens brought me here.
It's the only explanation that makes any sense at all.
Everything in my life exists as it always has. Home, neighborhood, everything.
But I am a stranger in this reality.
And I have proof. I think.
Proof of alien contact.
Take a look at this.
I found this in every crevice of my body, all over.
Everywhere.
[ Quietly ] Everywhere.
I believe this is alien goo
and my body was submerged in this to keep me alive in space.
I'm sorry. We can't help you.
What? - I'm sure there are professionals who can.
No. Wait, wait. Please, I'm not crazy.
I'm sorry. Uh, best of luck to you.
Listen. My name is Adam Burgess. I live at 43 Deck Street.
I have a wife that loves me. All I wanna do is go home.
Please. Please. I just want my life back.
[ Whispering ] I'm sorry.
What about the alien goo?
Jimmy-- [ Exhales ]
I don't think real alien goo smells like lavender hand lotion.
There's no story here.
Byers.
But what about that?
Is it the aliens? Did the aliens do this? Or the government?
Or aliens working for the government?
I think we need to have a little meeting before we come up with a definitive answer.
Gentlemen.
Byers, where did you find this guy?
He found us or, rather, Jimmy.
Yeah, figures. Anyway, I'm not ready to call Mulder just yet.
How do you explain his neck? - Maybe self-mutilation.
We should check to see if his nipples are pierced.
There's nothing alien about this space goo. It's basically udder cream.
Use it for lubricating a cow when you're jerking it for milk.
Why was it all over his body?
Yeah, we don't need to go there.
- The guy's obviously a nut job.
I say we introduce his lubricated butt to the door.
[ Byers ] I was ready to dismiss him too, but- but that thing in the back of his neck...
looks to me like an electrical contact, and he didn't even know he had it.
Somebody surgically implanted it. Why?
What is it?
Uh, what is all of this?
This? - Yeah.
Well, this is Bessie. She's sort of a homemade M.R.I. machine.
A big magnet's gonna take a picture of your head.
Is it safe? - Just so long as I don't get it near your testicles.
Do I know you from someplace?
You look familiar to me. - I have one of those faces.
Okay. Let's assume the position.
[ Machine Whirring ] Oh.
Sorry.
We have brain.
That answers one question. - Look at this.
It is a contact. Connected to some sort of wiring.
Laced all through his cerebral cortex. What the hell is this?
Yeah, yeah. That's it. It's 43 Deck Street. That's my house.
[ Engine Off ] Yeah? Prove it.
Prove it. Okay.
Okay. Every morning about this time
Frank Langdon goes to work with his newspaper and his cup of coffee.
And his wife, Susie, usually chases him out with a good-bye kiss.
[ Susie ] Good-bye, honey. - Good-bye.
Oh. Jimmy Gaganza.
He just took up jogging, but he can't seem to beat the butts.
[ Coughing ]
And, uh, over here.
Old nosy Rosie. She's always watching everybody's business.
Now, if you want, we can wait here for 15 minutes for Karen the college student.
Uh, no underwear. I, uh, rearranged my work schedule for that one.
You see what I'm talking about. This is my home. My neighborhood.
Yeah, only the Maryland real estate records say it's not.
- Furthermore, we can't find any record on you whatsoever.
No driver's license. No social security number.
Not even a Blockbuster card. It's like you don't exist.
But I do. Just in a reality parallel to yours.
It- It's gotta be the aliens. I'm telling you.
Adam, can we leave aside the aliens
and look for a more earthbound explanation?
Which is?
I swear I know you. - Byers, can we switch seats?
How does a man get to know a place so completely,
in such vivid detail, when every indication is that he's never lived there?
Jimmy, how many huts are there on Gilligan's Island?
Four. Not including the tree house Gilligan built the time he thought nobody liked him.
Exactly.
Blackout. You're good to go.
Hey. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
How'd I know that was there? Hmm?
Byers, I'm sorry. I still don't follow.
You're thinking that Adam never actually lived here
but instead he watched the house on TV?
Through hidden cameras. Maybe somehow the images were fed through
the input wiring in the back of his neck.
That's crazy. I lived my life. I didn't watch it on TV.
So why cut the power to the house?
Because if Byers is right, we have to kill the live feed or we get videotaped ourselves.
Less talking, more stalking. Let's get this over with.
Wh- What about me? What do I do?
I wouldn't. - Come on, guys.
I took the call. Technically, it is my story.
[ Langly ] Journalism kindergarten. I'll check the bedroom.
That's it, kid. Keep riding.
There we go. Nothing to see.
Perfect. Of course. I could see that coming.
[ Beeps, High-pitched Whir ]
You found something? - I don't know. Could be.
Who are you? - I'm with the city.
We're checking the groundwater for high levels of magnesium.
Known to cause uncontrollable drooling in prepubescent children.
What's behind your back? - Nothing.
[ Beeping ]
[ High-pitched Whir ] My God. Maybe he was right.
I saw you messing around with that box. You did something.
Oh, is that so, Einstein? - I think you're a burglar.
What's behind your back?
It's gonna be an ass paddle if you don't back off, kid.
[ High-pitched Whir ]
We gotta see what this is.
[ Whirring ]
Wh- Whoa, I- I don't think that's a good idea.
This is my house. I need to know what's going on in my own house.
Byers. Langly.
[ Whirring, Faint ]
- What's that noise? I'm telling my mom on you.
Whoa, little man. Let's keep it friendly.
What do you say? Five bucks make it right, huh?
[ Groans ] Oh! Son of a--
You better run, you little bastard. Hey!
What the hell do you think you're doing? - I need to know!
Come here. I don't think so. [ Siren Chirps ]
I guess this looks bad.
I guess this looks worse.
[ Rapid Beeping ]
Dr. Devico, we're off-line. Disturbance at the source.
Send someone out there to check. It may be him.
What about the test subjects? They're coming out of it.
Put them in sleep mode... for now.
Oh! Dear God.
I told you to face the wall.
What the hell's the matter with you?
My nipples hurt.
What are you looking at?
[ Yawning ] Man, we're screwed.
There is no law against a man vandalizing his own house.
It's not your house. Get it through that slot in your head.
You carved up some stranger's living room and now we're on the hook for it.
Langly. - Why? Why would someone wanna pump his head
full of images of a happy, suburban life?
Make him think he's got a home and a wife and all that?
- I do have a home and a wife.
Says you. If Byers is right, you can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality.
I have a home and a wife. Lois.
If Byers is right, you could be somebody completely different and not even know it.
Judas H. Priest!
You go on and on and on and on and on, yammering like some little nancy.
If you don't shut that hole of yours, I'm gonna stick my thumbs in your eyes
and ride you like a pogo stick!
I'm just gonna-- I'm--
Did I just say that? I am sorry.
[ Breathing Heavily ] Wow.
I d-- You see that screw?
You see the screw? Hey! Hey!
Flatfoot. Shouldn't we be having our morning slop by now? Hey!
Hey! - Somebody else entirely.
Well, isn't this cozy?
So, who's gonna tell me what I'm paying for?
[ TV ] Sanders back. Hand-off to Rawlings, and he's got nowhere to go.
Oh, a beautiful spin to break free. - You just take it easy.
Oh, looks like he's got a two to three yard gain...
before he was brought down by several Tiger backs.
Basically what you're looking at here is a cross-section of Mr. Burgess's brain.
This is the top and this is the bottom.
This is the front. That's the back.
What do you make of these? - Conduits for electrical stimuli.
Possibly behavior modification.
If so, who was he before they modified him?
TVs. Stereos. Speakers. DVD players.
CD players. Video recorders.
They call me Maniac Marvin. But they can't stop me.
He's escaped.
I love this guy.
[ Yells ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Yelling ] [ Maniac Marvin ] They turned me loose.
I honestly don't know what came over me, guys.
I mean, I have never even heard of this Maniac Marvin.
I can't imagine why the mere sight of him would cause me to react like that.
That's what we hope to find out. This man may know you.
Right now, he's the only lead we have. - Well, let's do it.
Uh-uh. Maniac Adam stays here with me.
We can't afford the damage bill if he loses it again.
[ Doorbell Buzzes ]
I'm looking for Adam Burgess. He was arrested last night...
along with some people at this address.
Is he here?
Can you tell me where I can find him? Please. He needs me.
I'm sorry. You are?
I'm Lois. His wife.
- And would it kill you to try to push the warranties a little harder?
Make it sound like something they can't live without. Like air, for God's sake.
Oh, man. It's really him. - I got my eye on you.
You the gentlemen who had the question? - Aw, man. You are a maniac.
That's funny. [ Imitates Parrot Squawking ]
You should, like, wear a pirate's hat.
The eye patch is for real. I wear a glass eye during the commercial shoots.
So let me guess. You gentlemen bought the Yokahiro wide-screen TV
and now you want a refund because the picture looks like a fun-house mirror?
Tell you something. The Yokahiro needs a break-in period. That way it gives the ions a
chance to bond with the vertical hold, then you get-- - No, sir. Uh...
Do you recognize this man?
I can't say I do. Is that it?
[ Growling Softly ]
[ Burgess Yells ]
This guy got all hot and sloppy when he saw my face, is that right?
I guess I have that effect on people-- the ladies mostly.
[ Laughs ] Sorry, gents, but I can't help you.
[ Langly Screaming ]
Aw, damn.
[ Burgess Yelling ]
I am so sorry.
I- I-- Really, I'm just very, very sorry.
Blow it out your neck hole, weirdo. - Langly.
The guy spazzes at the sight of stereo salesmen and midgets.
Who knows what else is gonna set him off next. - Let's find out.
We pulled this video grab from the outside security camera.
Do you know this woman?
That's Lois. My God, you found her.
Th- This is my wife. This is my beautiful--
Where is she? - She's not your wife. She only claims to be.
What are you talking about?
We think she's your keeper, and you're her lab rat.
She wouldn't tell us much, only that you were undergoing some sort of therapy.
She says she was transporting you someplace and that there was a car accident.
Apparently,you just wandered away from the scene.
[ Yves ] And found your way home, or what you thought was home.
She wouldn't tell us about those wires in your brain
but we think they allow you to see things and hear things and feel things
that aren't really there-- things she wants you to see.
You two are crazier than I am. Now, where is Lois?
Uh, we told her we didn't know where you were.
We figured you could use a little time.
You owe it to yourself to find out who you really are.
I know who I am.
I'm Adam Burgess. - No.
There's no record of an Adam Burgess because Adam Burgess doesn't exist.
You're someone else. You need to remember who.
[ Growling ]
[ Yelling ]
Get off me! [ Yelling Continues ]
Get off me!
I am not you! I will never be you!
Never! Never! Never!
[ Announcer] And that Dwarf Santini is furious.
He's making his case to the ref right now.
[ TV Continues ] - This man. The Dwarf Santini.
This is who you thought you saw? - Yeah.
You said you'll never be like him. Who is he to you?
[ Announcer ] It's hard to see from here, but whatever it was, it was just dirty.
And look out. Santini has Poco Diablo in a headlock.
Oh, there. He's down. Poco Diablo is down.
[ Yelling ]
[ Grunting Angrily ]
[ Panting ]
Your true identity better turn out to be rich.
- Can you tell us why that man makes you so angry?
What man?
The Dwarf Santini, you re--
[ Sighs Heavily ]
So where do we find this guy?
We don't. He's been dead for years.
He has a daughter however.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Keep your shirt on.
They've turned me loose.
You are such a dip. Come in.
Sweetie, you don't ever call me back.
I'm busy, you know. I got a life. - I know. I know.
I was just wondering--
You think any more about what we talked about?
I wanna be part of your life. - I'm still married, Marvin.
I know. I know that. It's-- [ Exhales ]
It's just that I've been doing some thinking.
I want you to get that divorce. He's out of your life.
You haven't seen him for a year. A year, Sadie.
He doesn't love you anymore.
Marry me and I'll move you out of this dump and into a nice place.
You and me. Man and wife.
I can't marry you. You don't love me. Not after that crack you made.
What crack? - Oh, don't play stupid, stupid.
You know. You're all about the sex. It's all you want.
[ Chuckles ] Oh. You mean when I said, "It takes a little lady to get me off big"?
Yeah. You are such a pig. - I know.
But that's what you love about me, baby.
[ Exhales ] Yeah, I know.
Turn me loose, big boy. [ Laughs ]
[ Disgusted Sound ] Who would live here?
"Muckle." Muckle.
What does that sound like, a last name or a sex act?
It's the married name of one Sadie Santini...
who is, apparently, very much her father's daughter.
She spent some time on the midget wrestling circuit.
This I gotta see. [ Burgess Breathing Loudly ]
Yeah. Yeah!
Adam. Adam!
You! - Oh, no!
Oh!
I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you!
I'm gonna take your other eye out this time, pal!
Okay, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine!
Charlie, where the hell have you been? - Charlie? Is that your name?
Charlie... Muckle.
Muckle. Charlie Muckle. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Now I'm remembering everything.
Lois?
I was afraid I'd find you here.
Charlie, we need to talk.
[ Loud Sigh ]
My name is Charlie Muckle, and I'm an alcoholic.
And I have anger issues. And I shoplift.
And I fill my tank with gas and drive off without paying...
and sometimes I cruise the old-folks' home, uh, acting like a visitor,
and then I go through their mail, looking for Social Security checks.
And I expose myself in public... sometimes.
But only to women who think they're hot stuff.
Don't forget. You got my best friend pregnant.
Oh, yeah. Yeah-- Well, yeah...
did that too.
And you despise Charlie, don't you? - Yes.
Which is why you were willing to let me help you become Adam Burgess.
Burgess. - Charlie, you let this woman brainwash you?
Well, it was either that or doing 24 months for putting out Marvin's eye...
the last time I caught you two in bed together.
Talk to Marvin. He knew all about it.
Hey, you told me that you dropped the charges and that he just disappeared.
Baby, I was just looking out for Charlie's best interests.
He needed time to heal.
Is that what you're doing for this man, healing him?
I have his signed consent on file.
Everything we do is legal and aboveboard.
What about making him believe you're his wife? Is that aboveboard as well?
You're already married to me.
Perhaps he shouldn't be.
It may not be healthy for him... or for you.
Yeah, Sadie, and she's a doctor.
Is that right, Charlie?
Is that what you really think?
You were always telling me how I could never compare to your father.
It's always, "The great man this, the great man that."
I can never measure up. You were always telling me you wanted me to change.
Well, I changed...
and for the better.
Yes, you did, Adam, and our work can continue.
It's not too late.
Well, don't let me stop you.
Oh, what the hell. Plug me in.
Baby, this really is the best thing...
for everybody. [ Shaky Breath ]
I'm not so sure I want my name on the story after all.
What are you talking about? - Jimmy, as first stories go, this one's a doozy.
You've got an unproven virtual reality therapy that threatens to...
strip its patients of their very identities.
It's exactly what the American people need to be warned about.
Yeah, I know. It's just... I don't like how the story ends.
Well, so what? You're a journalist.
You report the news, good or bad. You don't change the news. You don't affect its outcome.
Oh, yeah? Like you guys just kick back with your pad and your pencil.
Like you don't take interest in the people that you write about and always help 'em out.
I feel like I dropped the ball.
How would you end the story?
I'd have Charlie wind up with Sadie.
It is so obvious how much they really love each other,
even if they won't admit it.
And there's something not right when science gets in the way of love.
[ Groans ] I got diabetes now.
So what are we gonna do about it?
[ Exhales ]
[ Sniffling ]
Happy days, sweet pea. Your divorce came through. [ Laughing ]
What are you doing? It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, you jerk.
What does it matter? I saw her naked yesterday.
How lucky was that? [ Laughs ] I love you.
[ Short Buzzes ]
I've missed you.
Oh, you're the man of my dreams, you know that?
Make love to me.
Uh, don't I have a job I'm supposed to be at?
[ Short Chuckle ] Not today. I made it Saturday.
Oh, Adam, tell me you love me.
Looks like you were right about the hidden cameras, Byers.
I was just wrong about where to look for them.
Well, it looks like every utility pole in the neighborhood is wired with 'em.
The interior of the house was probably scanned into the program separately.
[ Grunts ]
Okay, Yves. You're tapped in.
Where's Adam in the program? - The master bedroom. There.
What's he doing? - I'll tell you when you're older.
Let's make this quick. Ten to one, nosy Rosie across the street is calling the cops.
[ Creaks ] Is this really gonna work?
In theory it should. You see the little boxes on the phone poles?
Those are the hidden cameras we were looking for last time.
They're feeding audio and video into a computer somewhere
which is transforming it into the virtual reality that Adam is experiencing.
So if we're on-camera-- - Then he should be able to see and hear us.
However, we won't be able to see him. So, who's gonna start?
Charlie! Charlie Muckle.
Um, do you hear something? - It's nothing, Adam. Ignore it.
Come on out, man. [ Byers ] Charlie. [ Whistles ]
Charlie!
Hang on a minute.
Charlie. [ Whistles ] Where is he, Yves?
Ten feet in front of you. He's stepping out on the porch.
[ Charlie ] Hey. Hey...
He's trying to talk to you. I'm patching him through now.
What are you guys doing here? I'm a little busy.
You're like the four blind mice. Why aren't you even looking at me?
Because you're not really here, Charlie.
Because this whole thing's like a big video game...
and you're really somewhere else with a wire in the back of your neck and in blue goo
in every crevice of your body. - Yeah, yeah. I know. So what?
So what? [ Scoffs ] - So what, uh--
[ Charlie ] Listen. Seriously, there's no pressure here.
I'm happy. Life is good. I don't have to make any big decisions.
It's a perfect life. It's designed to be.
Yeah, but-- - Pretty soon I'll forget who I even am...
just like before.
Maybe I'll forget this isn't real. It'll be even better.
[ Byers ] You'll forget Sadie too. Looking forward to it.
No, you're not.
Nobody wants to forget the people that they love.
She's better off with Marvin.
Except she seems to want you.
I'm no good for her. - You're no good for anybody, Charlie.
You belong on Jerry Springer or in a zoo, but you can change.
The old-fashioned way. Provided you want to badly enough.
You guys-- You guys make it sound so easy.
It's not. But I gotta believe virtual reality...
with all its perfect weather and great sex and-- Oh, God.
It's not as good as real life. Not even close.
[ Siren Approaching ] Oh, crap.
Let's go. Let's go. Come on.
Come on, Charlie. Now or never.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Let's get ready to get married!
[ Cheering ]
In this corner, weighing in at 189 pounds from Washington, D.C....
Maniac Marvin Kaufman. [ Applause ]
And entering in the far corner...
weighing in at 71 pounds from Columbus, Ohio...
Sadie "The Terror" Muckle.
[ Applause, Cheering ]
We are gathered here in the sight of friends, family...
the World Professional Wrestling Commission, and the Lord...
to join you two in holy matrimony.
Uh, hold it. One minute. Hey. Hey!
Hold it one minute. [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
I object. - We're not even at that part of the ceremony yet.
Adam. - Charlie.
Sadie, I want my life back.
You are my life.
[ ♫ Man Singing ♫ ]
How's this ending?
[ ♫ Continues ♫ ]
[ ♫ Ends ♫ ]
[ Child ] I made this.